One Way Ticket to LoserVille

Ok ok ok, I know I posted a long list of reasons one may still be single a while back, and I never quite responded to that as promised. Bad, bad Apple. I know. I hang my head in shame, and all that jazz.

But today, to make it up to you, I have something much better.

Why is it better, you may ask? Well, it's better... because it's real! Kinda like those great jokes that are funny because they're true? Or women's breasts. Yeah, this is on that level.

So yesterday, I was chatting with my lovely friend Flex. God love her. And in a particularly entertaining bout, she went on a rant.

I do so love a good rant.

So, I figure... you will so love a good rant as well.

Context: Single-ness and the way that, on occasion, it's not all that it's cracked up to be. Flex decided to tell me about her recent string of beaus, none of whom appear to be particularly impressive. But, being of sound mind and body, I'll let you decide that for yourself.

And here we go:

Flex: Let me tell you about the People that love Flex

Apple: i'm ready.

Flex: A) Men that are VERY VERY wealthy who want to parade Flex and her very large chest around like arm candy, but cannot maintain an erection if their life depended on it.

Apple: HAHAHAHAHAHA... continue!

Flex: B) Hockey players who have been hit one too many times in the junk and speak as though their testicles have actually ASCENDED

C) Boys who use the word 'britches'. Enough said.

D) Photographers who are so emo that their hair cuts itself.

Apple: oh my gosh stop! i'm dying!

Flex: E) PhD students who 'act like royal turds' and can't decide if they like a girl or not -- and are very quick to defend themselves when accused of booty calling

F) Men who struggle through reading 'the hobbit' -- and brag about it.

Flex: OH

Apple: and wait, there's more

Flex: there was G) the guy I only talked to on the phone ONCE who asked me in our first phone conversation if I thought Keira KNightly or Kate Hudson had nicer tits.

Apple: oh my gosh.
tell me you're kidding.
what did you tell him?

Flex: I thought to myself clearly I was not the right person for him, if that body type tickled his fancy.

Apple: you're asking the wrong girl, cause honey, those girls don't even HAVE tits?

Flex: precisely.

Apple: there's another winner.

Flex: I give you, Apple, the men in Flex's life. this is pathetic.

FYI, B D and G didn't make past a first date

Apple: well that's good

me: oh, and F

Apple: at least you have standards